Trying To See The Light

“I guess by now I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence.”

– Alyson Noel, Evermore

 

It has been five years… five years since I last heard his voice… five years since he told me he loved me… five years since he held Owen and kissed his chubby five month old face… five years since we heard his contagious laugh. 

It has been FIVE YEARS. 

1826 days without Bryan. I never thought I would have to say those words. We were supposed to grow old together and die in our sleep on the same day… that was our plan. Not this. 

Today… on the same day we lost Bryan… our son started Kindergarten. Bundled in his red rain coat and weighed down by his ridiculously huge back pack… our son kissed me on the lips… hopped out of the car and walked through the doors at his new elementary school. My baby is all grown up. 

Even though Owen only knew his father for a short time. He is exactly like him in so many ways. 

His courage – pushing through kids twice his size as he bravely entered school all by himself. 

His smile – smiling ear to ear … forming those eye wrinkles like Bry had that I loved oh so much. 

His laughter – giggling uncontrollablly about the silliest things.

His perfect hair – that you can’t touch because you might mess it up. 

The way he knows just what to say to make everything better – “I love you mommy… see you later”

His caring and compassionate heart – placing his chubby little hand on your face as he says…”Don’t worry, everything is going to be all right”

His love for nature and the great ourdoors – Constantly teaching me about fishing and bugs and all things gross. 

the list goes on and on. 

    

Although I am so proud of Owen and the man that he is becoming… today was a hard day for me. On the same day that I lost his father… I felt like I was saying goodbye to my little boy. 

The boy that got me through the death of my spouse and best friend…

The boy that I have spent every waking minute taking care of and protecting… 

The boy that I crawled into his crib with at night and sang Missy Higgens to for hours…

The boy that has been my rock and stability for the last five years of my life. 

Without Owen… I don’t know where I would be. 

So…

Today…on this unbearably tough day… I am trying to focus on all of the amazing things about Bryan… all of the things that I loved so much about him that I see in our son. 

I felt Bry this morning and I know that he was with me as I dropped Owen off at school and felt the rain drops on my face. I know he was crying with me and holding my hand as we watched our baby walk through those doors and start his very first day of school. 

Today…  on day 1826 withought Bryan… I am trying to see the light through the large black hole called grief.

And today I am reminded more than ever that that light has been and always will be our very special son.

 

Choosing Joy

“The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful.”

– E.E. Cummings

When I think about these past three years… I think about how far Owen and I have come.

Although… most days…  I feel like my life is rotating in this continuous circle of monotony…

I know that we have made leaps and bounds… we have started to heal… we have begun to find our new normal.

As a single mother… to a son that has lost his father… I find myself struggling to always make sure his childhood is perfect.

When Owen is grown up and looks back on his life… I want him to have great memories.

I want him to laugh…  to smile… and to maybe even feel lucky.

I know that I cannot fill the void that he will have forever… in loosing his father… but I want to try to make his life as amazing as I can to lessen the blow… (if that is at all possible).

In trying to create the perfect childhood for my son… I have backed myself into many stressful corners.

When I lost Bryan… I became a single parent to not only Owen… but also, to our three year old Morkie… Penny Lane.

Bryan was Penny’s person… whenever she wanted to play… cuddle… or go for a walk… it was Bryan that she would run too. Ever since we lost Bryan, Penny has not been the same. While she is the same loving… protective.. mother hen that she has always been… she has developed some anxiety and depression. Raising Owen and still making time for Penny has been a bit challenging but I have always made it a priority. I want to make sure that she knows that even though she doesn’t have Bry… she has us.

When Owen was almost two years old… I made the mistake of taking him to the humane society to look at the kitties and the puppies. The moment Owen locked eyes with Lindy (the beautiful black and brown calico cat in the corner)… I knew I was in trouble. His tiny little hands reached for her cage as he yelled, “kitty”… and I was sold.

Even though my life was already chaotic with a small child and a dog… I couldn’t say no to Owen’s big blue eyes… he cut right through my soul.

Needless to say, we left with Lindy that very day.

Although… I knew in my mind that I was in no way ready to add another pet to my life… my heart kept telling me to choose joy… to give Owey his very own kitty.

Fast forward another year and here we sit again…

As if cleaning up a lot of poop and feeding two animals and a child isn’t enough… I have yet again led with my heart and chosen to bring a small piece of joy to Owey’s life.

This past week… we made the long awaited trip to PetSmart and purchased a Bearded Dragon lizard named Ringo.

After much lizard deliberation… Owen decided that Ringo was the best fit for our house.

Being the reptile lover that he is… Owen is in heaven and can’t wait to watch Ringo grow up… and by grow up… I mean reach 2 feet in length… Yes that means he will be larger than my dog.

Animals have now out-numbered people in my tiny household… reminding me that I must be crazy for agreeing to take in yet another pet.

But when times get tough and I spend the day:

cleaning up dog poop…

changing the cat box…

scrubbing out the lizard tank…

filling two feeding bowls with food and water…

dropping nasty crickets in Ringo’s cage…

I remind myself that in choosing joy… I have given Owen a wonderful childhood memory! I mean after all… what little boy doesn’t want a dog, cat and lizard for a best friend.

My Baby You’ll Be

“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.”

-Robert Munsch

My little man is growing up… and growing up fast.

I cannot believe that we are having an Angry Birds party this Saturday for Owey…

I cannot believe that my tiny little baby is turning three.

It feels like just yesterday that I saw his beautiful face for the first time.

That I heard his little lamb cry when the doctors took his measurements.

That I held him close to my chest and felt his heart beat.

That I kissed his forehead and told him that he was the most important thing in the world to me and that I would never leave him.

Now… three years later Owen is 35 pounds…

he is tall like his daddy…

he has an amazing vocabulary…

he loves to sing and dance…

he has the best sense of humor…

and… as of this week…

he is potty trained!

I have been trying for months to convince Owen that he should go potty on the big boy chair.

I gave him candy…

I sang him potty songs…

I had a special “potty party” where we watched movies and brought his potty chair out into the living room…

I told him that he could go to school and play with the kids once he started wearing big boy pants…

I TRIED EVERYTHING!

Then, out of no where Owen decided one day (March 8th) that he was going to take off his diaper… go into the bathroom… lift up both lids… and pee standing up.

For over a week now, Owen has worn big boy unds (unless he is sleeping or has too poop)… and he has only had 4 accidents.

Something that I never thought would happen.

But yet again Owen has shown me that when he is ready to do something… he will do it.

“It’s all on my time, Mom.”

While his birthday is bound to bring lots of fun and excitement…. I am sure that it will bring a few tears as well.

Tears that my little boy is turning three…

Tears knowing that I am lucky to have such an amazing boy…

Tears because we have made it through these past 2 years without his father and come out ok…

Tears in celebration of what is yet to come.

Tears knowing that my baby… he will always be!

The Dragon’s Are Singing

“If you don’t believe in dragons,
It is curiously true
That the dragons you disparage
Choose to not believe in you.”
– Jack Prelutsky

This past month Owen and I got the pleasure to attend our first play together. Since it was all about dragons I knew that Owen would love it… more importantly… I figured that it would “probably” hold his attention and he would stay seated the whole time.  Secretly… it was the perfect opportunity for me to test my sons patience.

So… we got dressed up (a rarity in our house)… headed downtown… and took our seats.

Ever since Owen was old enough to talk… he has loved dragons.

I am not sure if it’s their scaly skin… their mysteries eyes… their ability to fly… or their scary facade.

But… when he is not watching dragon movies…  (“How to Train Your Dragon” or “Dragon Hunter’s”)

we are crawling around on all fours…

breathing fire…

hatching beautiful eggs…

and flying off the couches… yes that is right I said “flying” off my couches.

While jumping off of my furniture can get a little old… I love encouraging Owen’s imagination and playing pretend. When we are not pretending to be in a mythical pack… we are using our hands and doing arts and crafts.

Seeing as I was raised by an artist, I have always thought that creativity is such an important piece in a child’s development.

I love watching Owen’s face light up when he tells stories and makes up tales.

I love watching his pudgy little hands bend… fold… and glue feathers to paper.

I love seeing his brain in action when he pauses for a moment… looks off into space… and says “and then…”

Most of all…

I love being a part of it all.

I love believing that there is magic out there…

“Once they all believed in dragons
When the world was fresh and young.
We were woven into legends,
Tales were told and songs were sung,
We were treated with obeisance,
We were honored, we were feared,
Then one day they stopped believing –
On that day, we disappeared.

Now they say our time is over,
now they say we’ve lived our last,
Now we’re treated with derision
Where we once ruled unsurpassed.
We must make them all remember,
In some way we must reveal
That our spirit lives forever –
We are dragons! We are real!”

– Jack Prelutsky

Owen remained seated throughout the play… and aside from his loud banter and pretend screams in terror… he did very well and loved every minute of it.

We actually enjoyed the dragon play so much that we decided to make dragons for our arts and crafts projects later on in the week with Kyle (Bryan and I’s old college roommate) while he was in town.

We threw all of our materials out on the kitchen table and dug in.

We had a lot of fun making our dragons… and in no time Owen was running around the house snarling and flying like a dragon.

Relax and Breathe

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”   – Leo Buscaglia

This past month has been filled with lots of ups and downs. Something that Owen and I have become very used to.

Since this winter has been so warm, Owen and I have been plagued with various colds and flu’s… which has caused us to be crabby, irritable and very lazy. We have spent most of February cooped up at home…watching movies… and taking naps.

Oddly enough, through it all… I came to the self-realization that I still have some PTSD surrounding Bryan’s death and that I have an intense protection shield over Owen.

Whenever Owen gets sick or is not acting like himself (by this I mean bouncing on the furniture and running around like a crazed monkey) I automatically start internally freaking out and thinking that I am going to lose him too… then the waterworks start to come.

This past month when he had a high fever and was lethargic I went into my crazy mom zone again and started panicking. I called my parents and my in-laws… I cried uncontrollably… and I held/rocked Owen like he was a tiny baby all over again.

And then it happened… my perfect… beautiful… wise… sick… little boy looked up at me with his glossy half shut eyes… put his clammy hands on my face… and said…

“Stop crying mommy. I am alright”

In that moment I realized that the person I should be taking care of  was taking care of me. My two-year-old son.

Owen and I have a special bond… a bond that not many people can say that they have with their children. We take care of each other.We are each others “person”.

While most days I have a hard time playing the good guy and the bad guy… he knows that I am his boss and as he told me the other day…

“mom… you are my best friend.”

While our lives might seem chaotic and unorganized… because trust me, most days they are… we have a unique relationship. One that transcends everything else in this crazy world. We love… we play… we understand.. and we respect one another.

In many ways…

Owen is my best friend too!
So.. today… in between eating and snuggling we pretended that we were on a beach and played in the “sand”….

Life At The Prairie’s

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go”. – Dr. Seuss

Life.

Life takes you on this crazy ride… filled with bumps…with turns… and with dead ends.

These past couple of months have been filled with all of those three things… forcing me to think outside of the box and figure out what exactly my “role” is in this crazy world.

Ever since Bryan died, I have been afraid to move on… afraid to get a job… afraid to go back to school… afraid to make my own decisions and take charge… afraid to be me.

I know that this may sound weird, but I felt like if I got a job or changed my lifestyle… that I would be officially moving on… officially changing the life that Bryan and I once shared together.

I would no longer be the person that he knew… I would be going to interviews we never talked about together… wearing clothes he never saw me in… and hanging out with people he never heard me talk about.

For the past two years I have not had the courage to be anything else but a mom… the role that Bryan last saw me in… the role that I know best.

After Bryan’s two year death anniversary I decided that I needed to start making some changes… not just for me… but for Owen… for our future.

I need a retirement fund… We need good health insurance… I need to feel like I am making a good life for my son.

It was evident that Owen and I needed to stop living day to day and that we had to strive for more… strive for a better future… and although he is not here… one that still has pieces of Bryan in it.

On October 10th, I started working again. After two and a half years of being a stay at home mom… all that Owen has ever known me as… I decided to try to be a little more.

Luckily my fathers company was nice enough to take me on freelance as their copy editor and social media writer… allowing me to work from home and maintain a flexible schedule.

While it is nice to be back in the “working” world… working from home has added a very interesting dynamic to our lives. I spend 24 hours a day… seven days a week… being Owen’s main source of entertainment and play buddy.

In between making him meals and playing with him… I find myself rushing to my computer to get a few sentences typed before he comes upstairs to distract me. While he is adjusting more to mommy working upstairs on the computer… he is still having a hard time being independent.

Hopefully, 2012 is going to bring some good… but hard changes to our lives. I started looking at preschools and have been applying to more and more full-time… out of the house… jobs. I know that it is going to be hard to be away from Owen and not spend the day playing with him… but I need to stop being selfish and start securing a future for us.

But in the mean time… we are going to enjoy spending our time together watching movies… doing arts and crafts… playing trucks… and cuddling.

Owen and I decided that we were going to try to make Monsters today….

This was the first time that Owen had ever used scissors so it was kind of a big deal!

After I finally got the scissors away from him… Owen glued on his cut out shapes and bedazzled them with glitter.

This was Mommy’s version of a monster!

This was Owen’s version of a Monster! Very impressive.

Extreme Case Of The Push Overs….

“What are little boys made of? Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails. That’s what little boys are made of”

As I sit here… at 10:37 at night…  typing this blog… with my son on my lap… playing angry birds on my phone…

I am realizing something…

I am an extremely bad push over.

 

I know … as every good mother knows… that Owen should be sleeping by 9 pm… in his own bed… with his lights off.

But for some reason…

Here he sits… with me… late at night… with all of the lights on.

And let’s be honest… he will most likely be sleeping with me too.

 

Owen never had problems sleeping in his own bed or going to bed on time… that is of course… until I took away his nuk (or as he called it… his fafa). Since then he has been staying up until 11pm at night… playing in his room or reading books… until I finally cave and let him crawl into bed with me.

Since before Owen was born I swore that he would never EVER sleep in my bed… unless he was sick or scared of a storm.

I never wanted to be “that” parent that let her child sleep in her bed until they were five or six… or was sleep deprived because their child spent most of the night kicking them in the side… or in my case… the head.

But here I am… I am officially “that” parent.

I know that I don’t want him to get in the routine of sleeping with me, but let’s be honest…

Selfishly, I don’t mind sleeping next to a warm body again… and it isn’t bad knowing that he is safe and warm.

 

Welcome To My Crazy Life!

“There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy’s life when he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure.”   -Mark Twain

These past three years have brought many changes… some good and some bad… in our lives. My beautiful son was born on March 19, 2009 and my amazing husband died on September 3, 2009. I became a mother, a widow, a single parent and a sole provider in a matter of months.

This blog is my way of moving forward… pushing through the crap… and facing life head on with my beautiful and energetic son – all while teaching him about his father… the man that he will only get to know through stories and pictures.

Although sometimes my posts may be raw and hard to read… Owen and I invite you to come along with us on:

our outdoor adventures…

our trips down memory lane…

our animal expeditions…

our tough decisions…

our daily life challenges…

our arts and crafts disasters…

our discovery of self…

Welcome! You have officially arrived in crazy town!