“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go”. – Dr. Seuss
Life takes you on this crazy ride… filled with bumps…with turns… and with dead ends.
These past couple of months have been filled with all of those three things… forcing me to think outside of the box and figure out what exactly my “role” is in this crazy world.
Ever since Bryan died, I have been afraid to move on… afraid to get a job… afraid to go back to school… afraid to make my own decisions and take charge… afraid to be me.
I know that this may sound weird, but I felt like if I got a job or changed my lifestyle… that I would be officially moving on… officially changing the life that Bryan and I once shared together.
I would no longer be the person that he knew… I would be going to interviews we never talked about together… wearing clothes he never saw me in… and hanging out with people he never heard me talk about.
For the past two years I have not had the courage to be anything else but a mom… the role that Bryan last saw me in… the role that I know best.
After Bryan’s two year death anniversary I decided that I needed to start making some changes… not just for me… but for Owen… for our future.
I need a retirement fund… We need good health insurance… I need to feel like I am making a good life for my son.
It was evident that Owen and I needed to stop living day to day and that we had to strive for more… strive for a better future… and although he is not here… one that still has pieces of Bryan in it.
On October 10th, I started working again. After two and a half years of being a stay at home mom… all that Owen has ever known me as… I decided to try to be a little more.
Luckily my fathers company was nice enough to take me on freelance as their copy editor and social media writer… allowing me to work from home and maintain a flexible schedule.
While it is nice to be back in the “working” world… working from home has added a very interesting dynamic to our lives. I spend 24 hours a day… seven days a week… being Owen’s main source of entertainment and play buddy.
In between making him meals and playing with him… I find myself rushing to my computer to get a few sentences typed before he comes upstairs to distract me. While he is adjusting more to mommy working upstairs on the computer… he is still having a hard time being independent.
Hopefully, 2012 is going to bring some good… but hard changes to our lives. I started looking at preschools and have been applying to more and more full-time… out of the house… jobs. I know that it is going to be hard to be away from Owen and not spend the day playing with him… but I need to stop being selfish and start securing a future for us.
But in the mean time… we are going to enjoy spending our time together watching movies… doing arts and crafts… playing trucks… and cuddling.
This was the first time that Owen had ever used scissors so it was kind of a big deal!
After I finally got the scissors away from him… Owen glued on his cut out shapes and bedazzled them with glitter.
This was Mommy’s version of a monster!
This was Owen’s version of a Monster! Very impressive.