Trying To See The Light

“I guess by now I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence.”

– Alyson Noel, Evermore



It has been five years… five years since I last heard his voice… five years since he told me he loved me… five years since he held Owen and kissed his chubby five month old face… five years since we heard his contagious laugh. 

It has been FIVE YEARS. 

1826 days without Bryan. I never thought I would have to say those words. We were supposed to grow old together and die in our sleep on the same day… that was our plan. Not this. 

owey school

Today… on the same day we lost Bryan… our son started Kindergarten. Bundled in his red rain coat and weighed down by his ridiculously huge back pack… our son kissed me on the lips… hopped out of the car and walked through the doors at his new elementary school. My baby is all grown up. 

Even though Owen only knew his father for a short time. He is exactly like him in so many ways. 

His courage – pushing through kids twice his size as he bravely entered school all by himself. 

His smile – smiling ear to ear … forming those eye wrinkles like Bry had that I loved oh so much. 

His laughter – giggling uncontrollablly about the silliest things.

His perfect hair – that you can’t touch because you might mess it up. 

The way he knows just what to say to make everything better – “I love you mommy… see you later”

His caring and compassionate heart – placing his chubby little hand on your face as he says…”Don’t worry, everything is going to be all right”

His love for nature and the great ourdoors – Constantly teaching me about fishing and bugs and all things gross. 

the list goes on and on. 


Although I am so proud of Owen and the man that he is becoming… today was a hard day for me. On the same day that I lost his father… I felt like I was saying goodbye to my little boy. 

The boy that got me through the death of my spouse and best friend…

The boy that I have spent every waking minute taking care of and protecting… 

The boy that I crawled into his crib with at night and sang Missy Higgens to for hours…

The boy that has been my rock and stability for the last five years of my life. 

Without Owen… I don’t know where I would be. 




Today…on this unbearably tough day… I am trying to focus on all of the amazing things about Bryan… all of the things that I loved so much about him that I see in our son. 

I felt Bry this morning and I know that he was with me as I dropped Owen off at school and felt the rain drops on my face. I know he was crying with me and holding my hand as we watched our baby walk through those doors and start his very first day of school. 


Today…  on day 1826 withought Bryan… I am trying to see the light through the large black hole called grief.

And today I am reminded more than ever that that light has been and always will be our very special son.



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